Jan's Great Passport Photo Expedition (and his hair)

 Jan had one simple mission: get a new passport photo. "How hard can that be?" he thought, smoothing his hair with water as if preparing for a royal ball.

The photographer was a stern man with glasses who looked as if he knew every molecule on your face personally. "Neutral look. Mouth closed. No smile," he said, with the cheerfulness of a tax return.

Jan tried a neutral look. The result? He looked like someone who had just discovered they'd run out of coffee. "Not so sad," said the photographer. Jan tried to look less sad. Now he looked like someone who had just discovered they'd run out of coffee… but also that the bakery was closed.

A little smile is okay," the photographer finally sighed. Jan smiled. The system thought he was smiling. The photo was rejected by the passport computer because he was "too happy." Then the hair crisis began. His hair was perfect… until the flash. In the photo, his hair was standing straight up, as if he'd just been struck by lightning or had a sudden burst of ideas. "Don't move," the photographer said. Jan remained so still he forgot to breathe. The photo showed a man who looked like he was trying to break a Guinness World Record for the longest breath held without training.

After twelve attempts, three existential crises, and one photo where his ear seemed to escape from his head, there was finally a perfect passport photo. The photographer looked proud. Jan looked at the photo. He looked like a suspect in a crime series called "The Man Who Wouldn't Share His Cookies." Oh well, the government approved him.

And that, according to Jan, is the highest form of beauty.