Pirates and the Mermaid

Once upon a time, there was a rickety barge called The Wet Beard, manned by the most clumsy gang of pirates the Caribbean had ever tolerated. Captain Red Beard (who actually just had a red beard, but nothing red about it) and his men sailed around mainly because they'd been lost since 1687 and found it embarrassing to ask Google Maps.

One morning, while the crew was arguing over who had eaten the last dry rusk, something large and glittering slammed into the bow.

"Fish!" shouted Crooked Charles, who always considered everything food.

"No, that's a woman!" shouted Stuttering Pete.

"That's not a woman, that's a fish-wife!" corrected Crooked George.

And indeed: there lay a mermaid, half-panting over the bow. Green tail, shell bra that was clearly two sizes too small, and a face that said, "I hate you all already."

The pirates stared at her as if they'd found a cheat code in real life.

"What are we going to do with her now?" asked the captain.

"A treasure map in her head, maybe?" Crooked Karel suggested hopefully.

"She can sing, and then we'll drown ourselves!" said Piet the Stutter enthusiastically.

"Or we'll sell her to a circus!" someone shouted.

"Circuses don't exist in 1687, idiot," grumbled the captain.

The mermaid rolled her eyes so loudly you could hear it.

"Hello? I can hear you. And my name is Lyría. And I want to get back in the water. Now."

The pirates looked at each other. This was new. Usually, the things they found didn't talk back.

"But... you're a mythical creature," Crooked George said solemnly. "That's almost as valuable as a gold doubloon."

"I'm not a thing, I'm a person-with-a-tail," Lyria snapped. "And if you don't throw me back soon, I'm going to sing until your ears bleed and then you'll drown in your own stupid tears."

There was a silence.

Then Crooked Charles whispered, "Maybe... we could ask her if she knows of a treasure?"

Lyraria sighed so deeply that bubbles came out of her nose.

"Okay. Listen carefully, because I'll only say this once. There's a Spanish galleon lying on the bottom three miles to the east. Full of emeralds. But the wreck is being guarded by a giant squid I happen to know. His name is Gustavo, and he's a vegetarian, but he hates pirates with bad manners."

The pirates beamed at each other. This was the best catch ever.

"So if we put you back out to sea…" the captain began.

"…then I'll swim ahead and tell Gustavo you're my cousins from the north and he'll let you have your way," Lyría finished. "But only if you swear you'll never catch another mermaid. And that you wash those nasty rum stains on your shirts. Yuck."

The pirates looked at their shirts. They looked at each other. They looked at the captain.

"Deal," Red Beard said solemnly, extending his pinky.

Lyría looked at that filthy, calloused pinky, sighed even more deeply, but then hooked her little finger around it anyway.

They carefully lifted her over the railing (Karel almost dropped her because he insisted on taking a selfie with his imagination). With a graceful dive, she disappeared.

Two hours later, they indeed found the wreck. Gustavo raised one tentacle in greeting, looked at the pirates searchingly, muttered "Lyría said you can," and went back to munching seaweed.

The men loaded three chests full of emeralds. They were rich. They were happy. They had… actually become quite nice.

A week later, sometime around sunset, the captain threw a crate of rum overboard as an offering.

"For Lyría!" he shouted.

From the depths came a clear laugh, followed by a song so beautiful that even the seagulls fell silent.

And the Wet Beard sailed on, a little less wet, a little less stupid, and for the first time in centuries with a tiny shred of decency on board.

Because sometimes, just sometimes, even the dumbest pirate learns that the best treasure isn't gold...

...but simply by treating someone decently, even if she has a ponytail and an attitude.

End.